The Dude's Recap of ABC's The Bachelorette rests for no man, not even our fearless resident expert, Landon Haaf, who's on vacation this week.
So you'll get me, a Bachelorette/Bachelor novice.
Disclaimer: I didn't watch last week's season premiere, but I did read Landon's recap and I watched a few episodes of The Bachelor last season. Clearly, I'm qualified.
In Monday night's Week 2 episode, Becca tested the guys' athletic prowess with a sloppy obstacle course and a dodgeball game, dealt with some petty drama over a picture, felt "sick" after learning about one of the contestant's prior relationship, and fully avenged her breakup with last season's Bachelor, Arie Luyendyk.
Let's dig in.
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Lincoln, a sales account executive from Los Angeles, has proven himself to be polarizing, if nothing else.
After securing a spot on the first group date, he wins the date activity – an obstacle course of marriage-themed tests hosted by last year's Bachelorette (and Dallas resident) Rachel Lindsay.
The guys have to drag a "ball and chain," stand in freezing water (cold feet), dive face-first into a wedding cake in search for a ring, and crawl down the aisle.
Lincoln wins but not without controversy. A few of the guys, namely Chris R. and Connor, accuse Lincoln of leaving the cold-water tub before his hourglass empties.
"If you're cheating on a small little game here, what does that say about your character?" fitness coach Connor asks in a state of incredulity.
Nonetheless, Lincoln wins and gets a kiss from Becca at the fake altar.
Back at the house, Lincoln is totally obnoxious about his victory and asks Becca, "Can I steal you for a second since we just got married?"
Becca agrees, and then presents him with a "wedding photo" from the obstacle course. Big mistake, Becca.
The picture sends Lincoln over the top. He says kissing Becca is like "flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus and dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold."
OK, man, whatever you say.
Lincoln returns to the group, flaunting his picture. He puts it on the table, one of the guys flips it down. This goes back and forth for a bit. Lincoln talks to the picture and kisses it.
"Don't go anywhere," he tells it. "I'll be right back."
That's the breaking point for Connor, who grabs the picture and tosses it out the window. It shatters on the courtyard below and falls into the pool.
Lincoln responds about the way you'd expect at this point: He starts crying and tattles to Becca.
Becca expresses her disappointment to Connor – "I'm looking for a man who can still stay respectful and handle himself well" – and ultimately leaves the group date "frustrated."
She awards the rose to Jean Blanc, who's a colognoisseur, because of course he is.
Sidenote: Former NFL tight end Clay couldn't win the obstacle course? Sad!
Bye, Arie
If there's a clear frontrunner at this stage of the game, it's Blake, a sales rep from Colorado who earned the first one-on-one date with Becca this week.
Becca and Blake climb into a limo, which takes them into a "grungy" neighborhood of vacant buildings and warehouses, where Chris Harrison is waiting with a sledgehammer. Becca and Blake change into work clothes, and head into the warehouse.
Inside, they're greeted by a slew of random items: a fish tank, a race car, a living room set – and TVs showing Arie proposing to Becca.
The warehouse stuff, Becca soon realized, was all meant to symbolize her short-lived relationship with Arie.
Then Lil' John shows up and Becca and Blake – a self-described "big Lil' John fan" – grab sledgehammers and start smashing everything to pieces.
Again, not a big Bachelorette/Bachelor viewer over the years, but this had to be one of the more bizarre scenes to ever unfold on either show. And Becca is thrilled.
"C'mon Blake!" she screams before busting out the windows of the race car.
Their dinner date later that night also goes well, and Becca is "more and more smitten" with Blake, who is awarded with a rose.
Sidenote No. 2: The Arie hate doesn't stop there. Later, when Becca brings the second group date to a gym to train for a dodgeball match, a little kid there tells the guys, "Becca really dodged a bullet with that loser Arie last year." Ruthless.
Sidenote No. 3: Colton, another former NFL player, informs Becca about his past relationship with Tia, who was a contestant alongside Becca on last season's Bachelorette. The confession doesn't go over well, as Becca says it makes her feel "sick." Still, Colton secures a rose at the end of the show.
'I wore my underwear, bro'
The final event of the show is a cocktail party at the house with Becca. All the guys are dressed to the nines, trying to make one last final impression in hopes of snagging a rose.
Then male model Jordan show up in nothing but briefs.
"Tick tock, let's make it rock," Jordan says.
He walks through the house, out past the pool and into a cabana area, where he interrupts venture capitalist/chicken David's conversation with Becca.
Becca gets a laugh out of it. Venture capitalist/chicken David is not impressed, however.
"I'm not sure that's what Becca wanted to see," said venture capitalist/chicken David, who earned that distinction after he dressed up as a chicken when he met Becca the week before.
Jordan brushes off the criticism. Later, in a one-on-one conversation with Becca, he says he imagines "having a little Jordan, a mini-me."
"Possibly call him Jordy," he says. "Ol' Junior."
Venture capitalist/chicken David just can't let it go. In a group setting later, he takes Jordan to task, questioning whether it's "respectful" to show up to a cocktail party in underwear.
"Are you more than a model?" venture capitalist/chicken David pleas with Jordan. "Is there any more to you?"
Jordan mocks the question.
"I wore my underwear, bro," Jordan says. "That's not me trying to get attention."
Then the argument comes to an awkward end when David stumbles on the word "ingenuinity," a favorite accusation thrown around in the house that may or not be an actual word.
"It's called ingenuinity," Jordan says. "That's what it's called."
Jordan and David, despite their differences, both walk away with roses.