Another season of ABC’s The Bachelorette returned Monday night, launching Becca Kufrin’s search for reality TV redemption and reinstating a weekly appointment for IQ lowering on Monday nights at 7 p.m. Central.
The premiere didn’t mess around in establishing the show’s usual archetypes: We’ve got a male model who’ll be the pugnacious d-bag and unintentional comedic relief. We have guys who are “here for the wrong reasons.” There’s early favorites and darkhorse candidates for Becca’s heart. Clapping emoji for character development.
Season 14 started with the predictable deep dive into Becca’s embarrassment – err, heartbreak – on national TV.
For the uninitiated, she was chosen as the “winner” of last season of The Bachelor, when a washed-up racecar driver eight years her senior asked for her hand in marriage, but was later dumped by the same loser on national television so he could date the show’s runner up, Lauren – the equivalent of watching grass grow. All caught up? Sweet.
Becca then meets with the last three Bachelorettes, who each got engaged during their 15 minutes of fame but have not yet married. The women “sage the house” to rid all the bad joo-joo from the Bachelor mansion.
The intros
This season’s batch of contestants brought a traditional mix of limo introductions, from the smooth to the utterly cringe-worthy. Trent rolled up in a hearse and told Becca he “literally died” when he heard she was the Bachelorette – which sounds like a serious medical issue and maybe he shouldn’t be drinking and traveling as the show requires.
Colton, a football player who looks like Gary Bertier from Remember the Titans, brought a confetti cannon and made a pun about “starting with a bang.” The other football player, Clay Harbor, dropped some lines about how he’s made a lot of catches in his day. He caught a modest 114 passes in 98 NFL games, but did log eight touchdowns.
The big winners
• Garrett, who showed up in a minivan with a bunch of dad stuff and flexed his family man muscles – a real veteran move that gives him a leg-up.
• David, who nixed the suit in favor of a chicken costume and clucked Becca’s name. I respect how few [expletive]s he gave about what the other dudes thought of him.
• Chris, who name-dropped Becca’s uncle Gary – a father figure to Becca after her dad passed away – and then brought out a gospel choir to serenade her.
The double-u tee eff moments
• Nick wore a racecar outfit for his intro and basically called himself a “f***ing a**hole” in an attempt to sully the name of Becca’s ex.
• Mike brought a cardboard cutout of said ex, claiming he wanted him “to see Becca happy with other guys,” but it was really just a creepy stunt that provided ABC with some hilarious cutaway shots.
• Kamil made Becca walk toward him and said “relationships are 50/50” but then asked her to walk further and committed to a 60/40 bit that was painful to see. He was later sent home.
• Jordan, who wore a relatively normal-looking light gray suit and blue tie, talks ad nauseum about how his fashion sets him apart. He calls his clickety shoes “the heartbeat of a gentleman.”
‘The stench of competition’
In a classic line from any Bachelor or Bachelorette premiere, one dude says there are “more guys than I anticipated,” even though for a combined 36 seasons of the show there are always, without fail, “this many” contestants. Leo, a stuntman who rocks some luxurious locks, says the “stench of competition is gonna get stinkier as the night goes on.” He was right.
In a true power move, a Harlem Globetrotter named Christon jumps over Becca to dunk a basketball. Inferior basketball players proceed to shoot hoops with Becca.
Week 1, of course, is not too early for some drama, so Chris confronts Chase about a text he received from Chase’s ex-girlfriend claiming Chase is “THERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS.” Chris looks like Eddie from Friends and Chase looks like a young Michael Keaton, so I’m pretty distracted during this exchange.
Both guys have an uncomfortable conversation with Becca about the aforementioned text. Chase doesn’t last.
In the same vein, Becca sniffs out some other “wrong reasons” in Jake, who she knows from Minnesota but who has never shown interest in her before. She ruthlessly kicks him off the show and he walks away with his metaphorical tail between his legs.
Early favorite
Every female that attended the watching party at the Haaf house was swooning over a guy who opened with a Chris Farley impression, which is a confusing thing to write. But that was Garrett, the minivan guy who later taught Becca to flyfish in the mansion pool (likely an anticlimactic activity). He’s a big dork with an even bigger smile, and he’s captured the hearts of my friends. And maybe Becca’s, too, as he scored the first impression rose and a brief makeout session on night one.
Your move, rest of the field.
