I have been waiting for this moment for more than a decade.
As someone who has been watching "The Real Housewives" franchise since the start, I'm ecstatic the show is finally in my backyard.
It's been an emotional roller coaster waiting for the arrival of Texan housewives from the Bravo reality show. Some of you may remember the short-lived "Most Eligible Dallas," a show about successful singles navigating work and love in city. Then there was the spin-off, "Courtney Loves Dallas" starring Courtney Kerr (who is super hilarious and should have her own show again).
I even watched the Style Network's "Big Rich Texas," hoping it would be close to the "Housewives." It wasn't.
Then, it was announced. "The Real Housewives of Dallas" were hitting airwaves and becoming the focus of girls' nights across Texas starting April 11.
Now before you start hating, know this: My point of view is that we all have different ways of de-stressing after a long hard day at work. Some people play video games. Some people go for a run. I, and many others from the looks of what was trending on Twitter today, watch reality television. Something about it being cathartic to watch others fight and dive into drama, escaping your own or something? I don't know, I'm not a therapist.
The first episode gave us a little taste of what the five cast members are like and how they’re going to get along – or not – this season.
Brandi is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and mom of two young girls. She and her husband have been together since the eighth grade. She and Stephanie are best friends and love to drink “Jesus Juice” and talk about poop.
"Seriously Jesus turned water into wine and that's why I call it ‘Jesus Juice.’ Communion is taken with Jesus Juice. You can take communion every day and any time of day," Brandi says.
"I wonder if any of them are ex Cowboys cheerleaders-."
— Victoria Aveyard (@VictoriaAveyard) April 12, 2016
Literally the first one is an ex Cowboys cheerleader. #RHOD
LeeAnne, “The Mouth of the South,” is a huge player in the Dallas charity scene, which she believes is the only scene. She lives with her boyfriend of six years, and her best friend Tiffany calls her the “Mayor of Dallas” because everyone knows who she is. She used to be a “carnie kid.” I thought it was another way of saying her family moved around a lot, but no... she literally traveled with the carnival and says being mugged and knocked unconscious has prepared her for Dallas charity life. She doesn’t like Stephanie and Brandi because she believes they’re fake.
“They're really pretty girls who don't want to work for a living so they marry well. I didn’t by any means buy my way into society. I worked hard," she says.
Tiffany is LeeAnne’s best friend of 25-30 years and just moved home after living in Los Angeles. She used to be a model but hated the lifestyle, so she and her hottie musician husband (who has an accent!) moved to Texas. She likes to wear biker bandannas.
Cary is a registered nurse who works with her husband, a plastic surgeon. She hosts a trunk show in the first episode to raise money for a charity that helps women afford reconstructive surgery after breast cancer. This is her third marriage and she says her husband is the "wife" in the relationship because he likes to cook and shop.
Stephanie is a stay-at-home mom with two little boys (who are shown screaming in the back seat at one point and I absolutely love it). She and her husband Travis were engaged after six months of dating and they live on the Four Seasons golf course. “Right on the hole,” as Brandi says. Travis likes to create a list of “chores” for Stephanie to do to keep her busy and “earn” her money (ummm). In the first episode we see her trying to program garage door openers with Brandi, but the pair eventually gives up to drink more “Jesus Juice.”
They lament the charity scene and "stuffy" women -- saying they just like to have a good time.
As Brandi puts it: "We'll drink and we'll pee in bushes and she will fart on command, and I will dance in her fart.” Note: I think I counted at least five references to farting in this episode alone.
After we get the introductions out of the way, the ladies head to Cary’s house for her trunk show. Of course, LeeAnne is all about it because of the charity world and says people are valued more by how much charity they do.
To the camera Cary says what we’re all thinking: "I don't know how you get a job drinking and socializing, but maybe I should look into it.”
Then, in perhaps the best moment of the night, LeeAnne walks into the kitchen to find Stephanie and Brandi talking about childbirth and, yet again, poop.
“It’s a little Plano in here,” LeeAnne utters as she walks away. EEK!
Wait. I live in Plano. What's up with that @LeeAnneLocken?? #RHOD
— Kellie Rasberry (@kellierasberry) April 12, 2016
Ooh... Thems fightin' words! @cityofplanotx #RHOD pic.twitter.com/CLna6mhqYC
— Cynthia Smoot (@ohsocynthia) April 12, 2016
The group attends yet another charity event, and LeeAnne and Tiffany catch wind that Brandi is good at "mimicking" them." Of course, they ask her to show them and she clams up.
Now we're talking. Much like the “she took my chair” debate from season 9 of "The Real Housewives of Orange County."
All of a sudden Brandi asks LeeAnne to join her in another room to talk. She essentially tells her that she thinks she is looking for the spotlight when she should be focusing on the charity at hand. And why is so much money spent on the event when it could be going toward the charity? Actually, she may have a point.
Brandi mentions that she didn't think it was cool that LeeAnne spoke about herself during an event for AIDS and HIV patients, and LeeAnne tells her that, in fact, people are touched by her life story.
The discussion ends with Brandi basically telling LeeAnne that she needs "help," and LeeAnne declaring, in true southern fashion, only to be found on a reality show about rich white women:
“I don’t judge anyone. It’s not my job, it’s God’s."
